I am a girl, that is a fact. But sometimes I can't help but look around at other women and feel like I'm a bit rubbish at being a girl. There are so many things that women are meant to like or be good at or enjoy doing, and sometimes I think I'm just faulty. Maybe I need sending back to the factory. Anyway, here are just a fraction of the things that probably mean I'm a failure.
1. I can't cook without a recipe book
Luckily for me, we've moved on from the times when it was assumed that a woman's place was in the kitchen. Cos I'd be screwed if that was still true. Just ask my mum or my boyfriend and they'll happily confirm that I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. Give me a recipe to follow and everything usually turns out okay, but if you take it away I'd struggle to whip up anything more complex than beans on toast.
2. I'm not prepared to pay a month's rent for a handbag
Don't get me wrong, I would love a designer bag. Like, if anyone from Mulberry or Chanel or something happens to be reading this and fancies sending me one as a present, that'd be fab, I'll love you forever. But barring winning the lottery, I just can't bear the thought of spending so much money on something I don't actually need. I know they last longer, if not forever, and they're so pretty that I end up making cooing noises at them like I'm looking at baby animals, but how much money!? Sorry, I can't deal with that - I'll stick with the high street, ta.
3. If shoes don't fit properly, I'm not buying them
I blame this on having the world's most awkward feet as a child. My poor parents had to drag me around every possible store and get me to try on every single pair available before we would eventually find school shoes to fit me. It sometimes literally took days. But in a way, that was pretty good for me because I have never, ever bought a pair of shoes that don't fit me properly, no matter how much I loved them. Spending days squeezing on too-small or too-narrow shoes as a child has scarred me for life.
4. I hardly ever finish reading magazines
I love a glossy magazine, but I'm really crap at actually reading them. I get so excited about them, and sit for half an hour flicking through them skimming articles and looking at all the pretty pictures and things to buy... and then I get distracted and inevitably forget all about them.
5. I'm scared of waxing
You may have read my thoughts on hair removal before, and if that's the case it'll hardly come as a surprise that I'm not a die-hard waxer. It'd be easier and longer-lasting, granted, and the pain doesn't particularly bother me, in and of itself. The only time I've tried waxing, however, I did a DIY job and ended up giving myself such a massive, hideous blood blister I honestly thought I was going to die. Never again.
6. I cannot 'do' my hair
Not even hairdressers can make my hair stay where they put it. It's like Teflon; nothing sticks. GHDs, curling tongs, hairspray, mousse, I'd be willing to bet that cement wouldn't make it stay put. So I gave up trying.
7. Chick Lit does nothing for me
Give me a thriller any day. I am a simpering, moody shopaholic already; I don't need to read about one to know what that's like. Give me something with some substance, please.
8. I've never used a bath bomb
No, not even a Lush one - quick, cancel my blogger membership. We didn't actually have a bath in my house growing up, so I never got to try one, though I did get one as a Christmas present nearly every year through my teens. Useful. I'm at the point now that I'm a bit scared of trying. I've got a feeling it'll be like that episode of Friends where Chandler tries to run his own bath and messes up the salts.
9. I've never had a manicure or pedicure
Dude, I barely ever manage to have properly painted nails, never mind putting in the time and money to get someone else to do it for me. Most of the time I sport that lovely 'half-scratched-off' look, to the point that a guy once asked me if I did that on purpose. No, love, I'm just lazy.
10. There are about 500 makeup techniques I've failed miserably at or am just plain scared to attempt
It took me about two years to finally have a bash at contouring, and I'm still fairly petrified that whenever I do it I look like a clown-contouring before-shot. I can't do anything with my eyebrows other than use Benefit's Gimme Brow, I can't use liquid eyeliner, I haven't mastered 'strobing', I don't understand how to use a makeup sponge and I'm not sure I even know what 'baking' is. Sorry.
11. I can count the number of times I've worn matching underwear on one hand
Like, the day after I bought the two sets I've ever owned. And that's pretty much it. Who is that organised?!
12. I still have a student attitude to doing laundry
Disown me if you will, but I won't do my laundry until the basket is overflowing and I'm quite literally on my last pair of pants. Plus I will wear things, with the exception of knickers (mostly), more than once. If they aren't stained and don't smell I figure they're fair game. And if you really think about it, I'm actually being incredibly 'green' because I'm not wasting power and water...
13. I'm terrible at sending birthday cards and buying presents for people
My family learned many years ago not to expect a card from me because, chances are, I've completely forgotten. I still love them, I promise, but I just don't manage it. One year I spoke to my brother on his wedding anniversary and asked if he liked his card (which I hadn't sent); he said 'yeah, it's perfect, just what we wanted' and I said 'well, that's the thing with imaginary cards. You always get what you want.'
14. If I'm perfectly honest, I still don't actually understand what 'toner' is or what it does
Cleanse, tone, moisturise, they say. Cleansing, yes, I understand that one; basically clean all the rubbish off your face before bedtime. Makes perfect sense. Moisturising is obvious. What is this second one we're all meant to do and what role does it play, exactly? I've never figured that one out.
15. I can't iron to save my life
I don't even buy clothes that need ironing anymore, and if anything's creased, just hang it in the bathroom while you have a shower and it's good as new. I tried ironing when I was a student, burned my arm and my clothes still looked wrinkled. Not in my skillset, apparently.
16. I couldn't stand Fifty Shades of Grey
I'm sorry. This came out while I was at university and everyone lost their mind over it, so I thought I'd give it a go. I got about 8 pages in before I was overcome with stabby feelings for Anastasia, who is such an insipid, vapid pushover that if you told her to jump off a tall building she'd probably do it. No wonder she got dominated. So, so boring.
17. I can't 'do' sexy. Sarcastic, yes.
The idea! If I try a come-hither look I look cross-eyed. Not my best. I can probably make you laugh with an inappropriate or sarcastic comment, but if I flirted with you, you'd probably think I was having a stroke. Better left to the real girls.
18. I tend to dance like a dad at a wedding
Now I'm going to defend this one. I don't dance to look good, or to impress anybody; I dance because I like to dance, and I think the most fun way to dance is to not give a single solitary sh*t what anybody else thinks about you. I'm the girl who dances like your dad at a wedding, and I'm not sorry.
19. And Finally...
I cannot selfie. In most of my attempts, I end up looking like this. He's a lucky, lucky boy, my fella...
So how are you crap at being a girl? Or a boy, for that matter. Do you maybe share some of my 'flaws,' or do you have some all of your own? I'd love to read some others if you'd leave me a comment - I'm really hoping I'm not alone on this! Oh, and please don't have nightmares about that photo... I'm truly sorry.
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