Today is my half-birthday. It's not a real thing, I know, but it definitely should be. My year would be infinitely improved if there were another day when it was socially acceptable for me to act like a pampered princess and get showered with gifts. I could totally get on board with that.
So I was really hoping that I could have woken up this morning to find myself in some sort of wonderful alternate universe where everyone wanted to buy me presents and only nice things would happen to me. Somehow, instead of this being a day where the universe bowed down and bathed my feet for me, today has been a bit of a mixed bag.
If I'm honest, haven't really achieved anything that hasn't either made me a) fatter or, b) poorer. And I'm not particularly sorry about that. I needed to be temporarily soothed, and we all know that the best things to cheer you up in the short term are junk food and spending money. If you're even thinking about suggesting words like 'exercise' or 'salad' to me right now, we need to have a serious conversation about how exactly you made it to this blog...
The secret to life is this: chocolate cures everything, the end. Or at least you eat enough chocolate that you end up passing out feeling sick and hopefully by the time you regain consciousness, all the crap has gone away.
Look at me being a real grown-up!
These are some of the highlights of my day:
1. I ate an entire tub of Ben & Jerry's
Peanut Butter Cup flavour, to be exact. And now I feel a bit sick, but not at all guilty. I had to have two goes at it, one post dinner, the second post bath, cos I'm not greedy or anything...
2. I dropped my phone in the sink
I honestly don't know how this happened. I was washing my hands and, for some reason, thought it would be a good idea to balance said incredibly expensive phone on the CURVED lip of the basin. Let's just agree no.
3. I learned about Japanese Knotweed
And immediately wished I'd still never heard of it. It's a nasty little house-killer I will be writing more about tomorrow.
4. I watched a zillion episodes of Pretty Little Liars
Which may well the most addictive TV show ever, in the history of everything. Plus I've also started reading the first book which may well be intended for someone at least 10 years younger than me but, ho hum.
5. I've started getting my first ulcer
Oh hey, you're not fun, are you?! It's right between the hard bit of gum and the moving fleshy bit and it rubs and hurts and OW stop it. I also have a cold. Not my week.
6. I wore my pyjamas all day
Some days getting dressed is seriously over-rated. Nothing nicer than having a proper lazy day in your pjs watching telly and eating all of the food.
7. I drank about 7 cups of tea and coffee
And now I can't stop needing to wee. Probably not the best plan, in hindsight, but I really like caffeine, okay?
8. I spent £100 before I got out of bed
My mum and I went for a little shopping trip yesterday and she dragged me into John Lewis to look at the sale. I said this was a terrible idea, as I would want to buy things I couldn't afford. She didn't listen.
I fell in LOVE with a trench coat from Whistles. It was on sale. It was still heinously expensive. I walked away.
This morning, I looked up said trench coat online. There was only one left. It was in my size. I panicked and put it straight in my basket, then I thought well, I'll just go through to Paypal while I think about it and check I have enough money. I opened my mobile banking and thought well, okay, if I can live on beans for the next three months we can maybe just about justify this, then went back to consider clicking buy....
The web page said, "Thank you for you order."
9. I have decided none of this matters
As I will win the lottery tonight. I won a free ticket for tonight's draw and so it seems like it must be my turn to win the jackpot. And a £100 coat doesn't seem quite so expensive when you're a millionaire, does it?
I promise I'll remember you all when I'm stinkingly rich. Loves xx